In relation to my last post, I forgot to mention that I still live with the aforementioned cousins. The younger cousin 'S' (youngest boy) took after 'O'....
When we cross paths in the house, I hardly say a word to any of them, and everyone thinks its weird. I only socialise with the oldest 'C', the only sane one in my mind....One can forgive, but dear I say it is not easy to forget...
Life oh life. Did I do anything to deserve this??
...telling anyone at this point will just be too much for my parents and their parents....plus what if they don't believe me? After all, my mother and I stay in their house, I can foresee it causing a shit load of drama... I SHALL OVERCOME!
In due time I will be trully free and have my own place.
But thanks guys for the comments, tis much appreciated.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sexual Abuse
Ok, so I have been thinking alot lately, and I figure this may be the only place I can let my thought run freely without feeling awkward...
Suppressed memories, do we hide them to forget? Or are they just too painful to deal with?
Well one has been coming to mind as of late...I know alot of people don't talk about these things, and for the most part keep it to themselves, well I need to get it off my chest.
I recall when I was younger, can't say what age exactly, but having someone much older touch me inappropriately. I mean I was so young, I didn't know what to say or do, so I kept it all to myself. He was the son of a help, who lived in the boys quarters...We would play together, until he started doing things to me, that were just wrong, looking back now...After that incident, I avoided him at all costs and would just sit in the house not looking to socialise with anyone...
Then there was another occasion...this is the most painful and one I wish I never remembered....I remember moving in with my cousins and their family in America, and being so happy just to be in 'overseas'. LoL...anyways I stayed with my 5 cousins and their family and 1 of the boys was always there for me, until he started taking things too far.
I mean these are my cousins for crying out loud, so I would not expect such behavior from such...At the same time, maybe I should have spoke up and stopped being so naive.
Back to the story, well we would play together, and we will just call this particularly cousin 'O'. He is about 3 years older than me...We would all be playing and I remember sharing a room with my female cousin, who was about 4 years my junior. Lets call her 'Y'..well 'Y' and I shared a room and I can recall that each time we would all be asleep, I would feel someone come into the room and touch me all over...At first I thought I was just imagining things, but as it kept going on, I swear I was so scared to sleep at night. And I knew who was doing, I was just too scared to say anything to his parents, for fear of what they may say, so I let it go...Only to have things escalate to another level...I swear to this day, I do not like guys of the opposite sex touching me, it just brings back memories at times and I feel as though it isnt genuine..
This is just a glimpse of the burdens I carry with me everyday...HELP ME GUYS!
I need to live like a normal person and not crucifying any guy who may have genuine feelings for me and just wants to show affection.
This isn't the sort of thing you tell your parents or anyone for that matter...especially not knowing how they would take it...Just needed to get it off my chest.
I feel a load slightly lifted.
Suppressed memories, do we hide them to forget? Or are they just too painful to deal with?
Well one has been coming to mind as of late...I know alot of people don't talk about these things, and for the most part keep it to themselves, well I need to get it off my chest.
I recall when I was younger, can't say what age exactly, but having someone much older touch me inappropriately. I mean I was so young, I didn't know what to say or do, so I kept it all to myself. He was the son of a help, who lived in the boys quarters...We would play together, until he started doing things to me, that were just wrong, looking back now...After that incident, I avoided him at all costs and would just sit in the house not looking to socialise with anyone...
Then there was another occasion...this is the most painful and one I wish I never remembered....I remember moving in with my cousins and their family in America, and being so happy just to be in 'overseas'. LoL...anyways I stayed with my 5 cousins and their family and 1 of the boys was always there for me, until he started taking things too far.
I mean these are my cousins for crying out loud, so I would not expect such behavior from such...At the same time, maybe I should have spoke up and stopped being so naive.
Back to the story, well we would play together, and we will just call this particularly cousin 'O'. He is about 3 years older than me...We would all be playing and I remember sharing a room with my female cousin, who was about 4 years my junior. Lets call her 'Y'..well 'Y' and I shared a room and I can recall that each time we would all be asleep, I would feel someone come into the room and touch me all over...At first I thought I was just imagining things, but as it kept going on, I swear I was so scared to sleep at night. And I knew who was doing, I was just too scared to say anything to his parents, for fear of what they may say, so I let it go...Only to have things escalate to another level...I swear to this day, I do not like guys of the opposite sex touching me, it just brings back memories at times and I feel as though it isnt genuine..
This is just a glimpse of the burdens I carry with me everyday...HELP ME GUYS!
I need to live like a normal person and not crucifying any guy who may have genuine feelings for me and just wants to show affection.
This isn't the sort of thing you tell your parents or anyone for that matter...especially not knowing how they would take it...Just needed to get it off my chest.
I feel a load slightly lifted.
Newbie
Hey guys,
So I have been reading a few blogs lately, and have been inspired to start my own. I'll give it a go...
Basically I will talk about any and everything that comes to mind...At this point in time, I reckon I am lost and I am seeking to find myself. I will recall past events and present ones, to see if it has made a huge impact on who I am right now...
Feel free to advise me or just drop a comment. Anything will be appreciated.
So I have been reading a few blogs lately, and have been inspired to start my own. I'll give it a go...
Basically I will talk about any and everything that comes to mind...At this point in time, I reckon I am lost and I am seeking to find myself. I will recall past events and present ones, to see if it has made a huge impact on who I am right now...
Feel free to advise me or just drop a comment. Anything will be appreciated.
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