Ok, so I have been thinking alot lately, and I figure this may be the only place I can let my thought run freely without feeling awkward...
Suppressed memories, do we hide them to forget? Or are they just too painful to deal with?
Well one has been coming to mind as of late...I know alot of people don't talk about these things, and for the most part keep it to themselves, well I need to get it off my chest.
I recall when I was younger, can't say what age exactly, but having someone much older touch me inappropriately. I mean I was so young, I didn't know what to say or do, so I kept it all to myself. He was the son of a help, who lived in the boys quarters...We would play together, until he started doing things to me, that were just wrong, looking back now...After that incident, I avoided him at all costs and would just sit in the house not looking to socialise with anyone...
Then there was another occasion...this is the most painful and one I wish I never remembered....I remember moving in with my cousins and their family in America, and being so happy just to be in 'overseas'. LoL...anyways I stayed with my 5 cousins and their family and 1 of the boys was always there for me, until he started taking things too far.
I mean these are my cousins for crying out loud, so I would not expect such behavior from such...At the same time, maybe I should have spoke up and stopped being so naive.
Back to the story, well we would play together, and we will just call this particularly cousin 'O'. He is about 3 years older than me...We would all be playing and I remember sharing a room with my female cousin, who was about 4 years my junior. Lets call her 'Y'..well 'Y' and I shared a room and I can recall that each time we would all be asleep, I would feel someone come into the room and touch me all over...At first I thought I was just imagining things, but as it kept going on, I swear I was so scared to sleep at night. And I knew who was doing, I was just too scared to say anything to his parents, for fear of what they may say, so I let it go...Only to have things escalate to another level...I swear to this day, I do not like guys of the opposite sex touching me, it just brings back memories at times and I feel as though it isnt genuine..
This is just a glimpse of the burdens I carry with me everyday...HELP ME GUYS!
I need to live like a normal person and not crucifying any guy who may have genuine feelings for me and just wants to show affection.
This isn't the sort of thing you tell your parents or anyone for that matter...especially not knowing how they would take it...Just needed to get it off my chest.
I feel a load slightly lifted.
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This was something I intended on talking about, a long time ago...though I still, might, just that many people know me now.
ReplyDeleteBabe, I can tell how u feel, cos Ive beeen there before. Mine was even more revolting and they were both my moms friends...till this day, Im not sure if thats why Ive become so rigid when it comes to relationships and all that stuff.
At some point in your life, you need to let thse things go, and hink of ways to make it better. Think of the things that stopped you from telling anyone (I didnt either) and make sure that when you do have children of your own, you can help avoid this whole cycle all over again.
Do not let it hinder your adult life, as it has probably done mine. There are too many good things in life to forego for some past experiences.
Pele...It is well!!
Thanks for looking out Naijababe.
ReplyDeleteI try not to let it hinder my adult life, but the damage is already done, and I will always be weary...
While I was 15 and 17 respectively 2 of my cousins trie d to rape me..but they dint succeed…I never told my parents though…
ReplyDeleteIf u feel u need to talk to your parents about it, if you feel it may help then go ahead…but the most important is for you to not let it mar your future or determine your today…I dealt with the trauma by telling myself that I would let them win if I let their actions traumatize me now…instead I took away vital lessons from it esp how to protect my daughters and stuff…
Sorry.
Sorry you had to go through that. If it'd help i would say talk about it with them or your mum at least. Most times people who do such have also had it done to them as well so the cycle begins in that sense. It is well. This only makes you stronger as a person
ReplyDeleteThis is the sort of thing that children SHOULD tell thier parents.
ReplyDeleteI told mine
and the support was incredible.
I think its time we stopped feeling ashamed or guilty about what happens to us (sexual abuse) coz it never is your fault. Besides telling someone will ensure you get the vital support you need and more importantly that the perpertrator never gets a chance to do that to someone else again